highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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