mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize