I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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