Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
