there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
