I was born with a shot glass in my hand
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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