i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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