Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
