the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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