He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
