i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
