Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Randomize
