my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
