It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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