ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
