just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize