Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
