This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
