youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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