I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
