he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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