I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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