i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
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