I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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