I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
its liver damage thursday
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
