Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
