My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
soo... how was my night?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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