Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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