My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
