Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
