i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
And then my night got REAL pukey
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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