im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
