woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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