Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
