I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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