You're a womanizer and a bitch.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You are the jesus of drinking
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
