I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
