Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize