I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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