you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I use my feet as sexual weapons
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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