So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
