I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
