Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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