you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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