Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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