She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
