I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just threw up on my dentist
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
