My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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