it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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