So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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