my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
