Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
