I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
