you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
last night I used snow as a chaser
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
