guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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