I'm gonna have a badass scar
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
