I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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