Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
...so i touched it.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
