I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
