The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
