Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
