I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
