I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I stole a fireplace last night.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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