I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
